i'm going to the braves game tonight. hopefully it won't rain too much. i really really want one of those 70's style hats, even though i will probably never wear it. i hope it isn't awkward, but for once i feel like people actually want me there. like, for the first time in a longgg time, the number of people who want me there outweigh the number of people who don't. and i know that sounds harsh, but it's hard to not feel that way when people make mean side comments under their breath every time i open my mouth. i hope they know it doesn't make them a better person. that i am the bigger person for not reciprocating the comments. for ignoring them. but it's nice to know that clinton, brandon and kelly all asked me to go tonight. even though clinton probably just asked to be nice. actually, i have no idea why he asked...it wasn't like he had to or anything. i just want everything to be okay.

i'm glad that i went to the beach with casey, lauren, holly and anna. the weather could not have been more perfect, and the scenery wasn't so bad either ("man-handle it! it's not a woman, it's an umbrella!). kayaking wasn't as great as i expected...it's funny how it's so much less interesting when you only have a short stretch you can paddle in. the whole ashley thing was weird, but whatever. at least i can say that i've done it now. but those girls are a lot of fun, and i think we are going to continue to hang out, which is what i need. i need go-to people, i need people to party with. i also need my friends back. but until steven decides he's had enough space, it's not gonna happen. i can't even decide if i want things to be like they used to or not. part of me just wants to move on with my life. a lot of me wants this, actually.

i spent $110 at walmart, and i have no idea what i bought. i got a new computer at work. it's snazzy. huge screen, super-fast. i love it.

this thing at work is making my stomach do flip-flops. if i didn't have to go to the emergency room, everything would have worked out and gotten done. and none of this would be happening. it makes me mad that no one told me about this issue.

i also like jack. he's cute and reminds me of college things. and he makes me feel good.

i must be a 90's child or something. i mean really, sister hazel, goo goo dolls, train, matchbox twenty, hootie and the blowfish, vertical horizon, nine days. they're all genius, they all evoke this same great feeling in my soul. they are me.

i just want school to disappear, and work too. then i could be lazy and not worry about stuff and focus on the important things in life. like boys and cars and music and fashion.

i hope i can fix this. for once, i'm not sure if i will be able to. this scares me very very very much. i'm used to getting my way, maybe i got in too deep this time, thought too highly of my manipulation abilities. i wish i weren't manipulative.

a few weeks ago, i found a song that perfectly described trent and me and our thought process and what we felt. it's called "breathe" and it's by taylor swift and colbie caillet. it captures everything perfectly. and listening to it now, after this, it takes on a whole new meaning, but still captures everything perfectly. incredible. i wish taylor knew how much i can relate to this song, in so many ways.

this experience has been a humbling one.
not in a good way.
well, probably a good one in the long run, but not right now.
right now it makes me question a lot.
i have so many mixed feelings about everything.

i just want to get out of this country. i want the bahamas trip to start tomorrow.

its amazing what blasting music and dancing like no one is around will do for your soul. what it can do for your spirits. and your mood. and its amazing what doing your hair and makeup and dressing up in something new and flattering can do for your self-image, and how it can make you feel fresh and ready to take on anything. and its amazing what buying something new can do to improve the rhythm in which you live your life. even if its something small. its amazing how all these things give you confidence.

and its amazing how one person can control how your day goes. how your emotions can fluctuate with the communication you have with that person. how you can reflect all day on one thing they said or they way they said it, and you can and come to some irrational conclusion because of it, and then they say something else, and your whole entire conclusion does a 360. and youre so sure of yourself...again. and its amazing how unstable you can be, when after so many years you've trained yourself to be the opposite. to be stable and unemotional and independent. and defensive. and its amazing how you can wish you didnt feel anything so you could be how you were before. so you could live life the way youve always known. so you can get rid of that vulnerable feeling. so you dont get hurt. but thats what makes it so exciting. that you could lose everything you want. its amazing how vague you can be so that, even though its ever so obvious, they might not know its them, just in case they read this.

i keep a lot of thoughts inside because i dont think other people feel the same way about a situation. and i push the thoughts back and convince myself im overreacting and no one else feels the same way about it. and i convince myself its not a big deal, because maybe then it wont be. and i ignore it so that maybe my worst fears wont be true. but then sometimes someone surprises me and shares with me that they are frustrated too. and they confide this in me. and i realize that im not irrational at all. and im not making something a big deal thats not a big deal at all. because maybe it is. and maybe ill never say anything or do anything to fix it. but im not crazy at all. and maybe people dont mean to do the things they do. and maybe they dont realize that sometimes they should do certain things. just to keep face. and im glad im not the only one who sees this.

i really dont want to grow up. ever. and i wont. i will always, always dance in my sweat pants when no one is home. and heat up leftover pizza because im too lazy to make anything else. and go on shopping sprees to fix things. and i will always smile...no matter who i am around, or how serious a situation is, or how adult-like i should be, because happy people cant hide that theyre happy.

and i will always be happy. and if im not, ill do everything in my power to make it so that i am. because life is so much more colorful when youre happy.

finally. we're back. everyone is. it feels good.

classes are okay. psychology is pretty interesting so far, but there are so many freshman! and i think half of them are from collins hill. no really. marketing is my favorite class. i love what we talk about and i guess thats a good thing because its what im majoring in. "make what you can sell, rather than sell what you can make." genius. management is so boring. brandon and james are in there. that should be an interesting time. and then accounting i have with brandon, chris, steven and eric. although chris has to disown us and sit with his brothers. of course. but the teacher is sooo cute :) shes so southern and excited and optimistic. and managerial accounting is so much more interesting than financial. and i just switched into legal studies with eric and steven. so i hope its more interesting than the class i was in before where i fell asleep.

anyways. week one is over. its finally friday! sigma nu rave party or free abbey road live concert? hm...decisions, decisions...or maybe a little of both?

so we finally got our dream boat. and it runs pretty well, and adam said its so much better for wakeboarding. im so relieved. too bad its sweatshirt weather...in august!

the condo is looking good :) besides the lack of couch, which we are working on. but everyone seems to like it, and there are plenty of attractive men around, so im pretty satisfied to say the least. still dont know the neighbors. ugh i hate being friendly.

so ive been here less than 2 weeks and already have made some stupid decisions. well, one major one. im so easily manipulated by anyone im with. i really am. but everything worked out with a little advice (aka criticism and harsh, but well-intended judgement lol) from my friends :) and i have realized what a stupid thing to do it was. and im ashamed because i knew what was gonna have to happen to fix it, but i disregarded people's feelings. stupid. but now everything is back to normal and the way it should be.

im pretty happy with everything right now. knock on wood. i have a great place to live. i go to a great school. i have tons of awesome friends. im never bored or without something to do. i have a pretty kick-ass job.

things are good.

i am officially done with my freshman year of college. and i couldnt be more sad. i honestly dont know where the time went. it just happened so quickly and i guess i was just so happy that time just flew right by me. three months. THREE MONTHS until everyone comes back. and im stuck in athens working 3 days a week with none of my friends here. and the other 4 days im in suwanee, but im not friends with the same people i was before. except for kelly and liz and cristina and casey, ive made new friends. and i dont want to hang out with old friends because i miss the new ones so much more. already. and we thought high school was hard to leave...but this is so much worse.

i am in love with college. dont get me wrong, i love my family and im so glad i get to see them more, but its hard to go from being able to do whatever i want and with whoever i want to having to remember to call my mom and tell her where i am. and i dont know what im going to do without ramsey this summer. where on earth will i run? i am going to miss its flat, air-conditioned track. and the ping-pong players :) and im gonna miss our girly gossip during stretches. and my roommate. she means the world to me.

i will be spending lots of money on gas to go to alpharetta this summer. those kids made college for me. steven, trent, clinton, brad, andrew, eric, chloe. i really dont know what i did without them first semester. i dont know what i would do without them now. they have instilled something in me that i will never lose. and i dont know what it is, but its there and its alive and it has changed me. im so different than i was when i graduated. not in a bad way or a 'crazy college kid' way, but i feel like a more complex person. i know who i am and why i do the things i do. and the way i do them. and first semester was amazing too. casey and i got to know each other and became really close. and its sad that we havent stayed like that this semester, but i know this summer there will be plenty of shopping trips and then in the fall we will be living together, which im really excited about. so im not worried about that. i hope she likes my friends. and i miss talking to james a lot too. i havent seen him since last semester, but he was a lot of fun to talk to. im glad we got to know mary katherine too. shes just an all-around cool person. and chris was my first 'new' friend in college and it was so effortless and he does so many nice things for me. and brandon...ive never had someone make fun of me more, and make me laugh at the same time. its wierd to think that while we were in high school with the people we had always known, there were these awesome people out there...like waiting for us to meet them. and its wierd to think they had lives before i met them. and they did the same things i did. i feel like ive always known these people. and i wonder if there are more people out there that i could feel like this with too. i hope so. those kind of people are the best.

i think if i could go back and redo freshman year, i would get to know the girls on my hall better. even if they dont seem like the type of people i would hang out with, theyre all really nice and sweet, and i think i could have gotten a lot out of knowing them. and i guess i should have studied more. but its hard when theres just so much to do. and when there is facebook and facebook chat. my goal this summer is to stay in shape, and also to dress like i know what im doing. i feel like i just throw on a t-shirt and jeans, when i could do so much more.

college has turned out to be more than i could have ever hoped for. more than i could have ever anticipated or expected. more than i could have dreamed about. and yet, i cant live without it. this summer better be extraordinary, because if its not, then ill miss athens. and i will just have to get by on the fact that sophomore year is coming soon. ugh. three months.

its been a while since i posted here. idk why, but everything i post seems like an lj thing and not a language of the heart thing. maybe because i havent felt anything strong enough to qualify for this. not that im feeling particularly amazing or depressed today. i just thought this deserved some attention.

girl scout cookies are heaven. girl scout cookies are gonna make me fat. girl scout cookies are irrisistible. the end.

project runway reruns are amazing as well. they make me wanna be a designer. or a model. either.

so since i havent had much emotion to write about, i decided to make a list of all the things im passionate about:

- being catholic. like really.
- my family. i love them so much its insane. they are the coolest people ever. even if sometimes they dont appear to be.
- my friends. i love them so much because i know theyre real. i never have to worry about them or drama with them. and they know me oh so well.
- abortion. im pro-life. abortions have killed more americans than all the wars we have fought combined. and thats just the US.
- music. i tried to think of a song that described all of me. but i dont think its possible. im a combination of so many. as in thousands. i have my favorites, but each song ive ever heard has influenced me.
- drinking and driving. its so stupid. its the most stupid thing you can do if you ask me. i hate it.ohgosh.
- drinking. i really have nothing at all against drinking casually/socially. but drunk annoying people bother me. every once in a while i get it...were in college...but all the time? really?
- falling in love. i want it so badly. and i know its rediculous because you have to forget about it and live your life and everything will fall into place, but i want to control where things fall. and i screw it up all the time. plus i have no idea what i want, which doesnt help.
- fashion. you wouldnt guess it by looking at me, but magazines just capture me and i absorb everything and my fashion sidekick knows that im actually capable of looking decent lol. and shopping...oh shopping...
- school. i want to succeed so badly. i really dont know how this semester is going to turn out. im giving everything my best, but it seems whenever i take just a moment to slack off a tiny bit, i pick the worst time ever. and it shows.
- art. all kinds of art. movies and books and plays and poems. oh poems...ee cummings is my lover. and andy warhol...goodness. and audrey hepburn was not only one of the greatest fashion icons ever, but shes a pretty good actress too :) just the idea of creating something new is exciting. theres so much to be created still...
- freedom. like america's freedom. i mean, this country isnt perfect, and theres so much controversy about so many things right now, but if you think about it, we can do basically anything we want.
- the environment. not so much being 'green' - although i try to be - but more so the sun and the grass and the trees and the buildings and fences and birds and things. they all fit together so beautifully sometimes.

so these are a few things that i feel strongly about. and there are tons more but im really tired...its only 10pm.

im so glad im done with certain people. so glad theyre out of my life. and a year ago it would tear me up inside to think about not being around them. but its been for the better. and its okay. i like it.

the marla singers are really good actually :)